Enter the velocirapture

c: | f: Religion / Statistics

In true scouting tradition I’d better get my water wings and fireproof suit out of the loft: Satan’s on his way to town.

I’ve just noticed the date: 18th May 2011. According to the religious zealots I’m likely to die on Saturday. If I’m one of the lucky ⅓ who survive the coming Rapture, then I’ll die with everyone else in six months’ time.

Admittedly the date of the event is based on some shaky maths involving the great flood that wiped out humanity and ensured we were all descended from three pairs of people. From my, albeit rudimentary, understanding of all things Biblical, each of the seven days that Noah spent ushering the animals onboard was actually 1000 years which — when added to the date of the flood (4990BC) plus one year to cope with the rounding error during the transition from BC to AD — gives us 2011.

I’ll leave the explanation of the reason it’s this Saturday (21st) to the experts, because they explain it so much more succinctly and convincingly than I can:

Keep in mind that God shut the door on the ark on the 17th day of the 2nd month of Noah’s calendar. We also find that May 21st, 2011 is the end of the great tribulation period. [ED: exactly 23 years after the Spirit of God left all churches and Satan entered the churches to rule. Presumably because Wet Wet Wet just topped the charts with their Beatles cover of With a Little Help from My Friends]

There is a strong relationship between the 2nd month and 17th day of Noah’s calendar and May 21st, 2011 of our Gregorian calendar. This relationship cannot be readily seen until we discover that there is another calendar to consider, which is the Hebrew (or Biblical) calendar.

May 21st, 2011 happens to be the 17th day of the 2nd month of the Hebrew calendar. By this, God is confirming to us that we have a very correct understanding regarding the 7000-year timeline from the flood. May 21st, 2011 is the equivalent date to the date when God shut the door on Noah’s ark. Through this and much other Biblical information, we find that May 21st, 2011 will be the day when God takes up into heaven His elect people. May 21st, 2011 will be Judgment Day! This is the day God shuts the door of salvation on the world.

Got that? Good. It’s crystal clear to me. I even trawled through “much other Biblical information” to solidify my understanding.

Let’s go camping in Jurassic Park

Harold Camping

The key proponent of this end-of-days date is Harold Camping. This is his seventh attempt at predicting when the world will end; the previous six have all failed to come to fruition so I’m taking this one seriously as he should be getting pretty good at it by now.

Tangentially, it should also be noted that God created the world in 11 013BC. One assumes therefore that nobody of a Christian persuasion believes in dinosaurs that apparently roamed the earth up until 66 million years prior to creation and that all fossils were placed by God to fool science. I’ve never seen either phenomena, so I’m not qualified to comment.

But one thing is certain: with potentially only 3 days to live, I’m left wondering if I’ve enough time to repent and have my rapture ready T-shirt delivered by Royal Mail.

1 goat scribbled here

    Stef Dawson

    I’m still alive. Yay!

    Though now I hear that Camping says he made a mistake in his calculation. He’s had since his last prediction in 1994 (when he purportedly also made an error) to refine his numeracy so perhaps he’s not the real deal after all and should just keep quiet next time. He can always be all smug and “told you so” if and when it does happen.

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