It's all in the milk

Damn, I rock at making custard. Consistently perfect results time after time.

And you know what makes it doubly impressive? I use Birds custard powder as a base; not Blokes custard powder. Yep, custard powder that’s designed for girls. Back of the net!

At this juncture I feel it would be remiss of me to make such a bold claim and not prove it, so here is my guide to making perfect custard every time.

1. Measure out 1 pint of (whole or semi-skimmed) milk. If you’re not that hungry, scale it back to ¾ pint
2. Tip the milk in a pan and start boiling it up on a high heat. Keep checking it often ‘cos it mustn’t fully boil
3. While that’s starting, put two generously heaped tablespoons of custard powder into a jug. If you’ve elected to go for the ¾ option, make the mounds slightly less generous. No science involved here, you just have to use the force
4. Put two equally-sized scoops of sugar in the jug
5. Trickle cold milk into the jug and start to work the powder and sugar into a thick paste; the thicker the better but if it goes slightly runny it’s not the end of the universe. Leave the tablespoon in the jug
6. Now the important bit: watch the milk like an FBI agent on a stake-out. It’ll start to bubble round the edges and may form a skin but don’t worry about it; just sloosh it around the pan a bit to make sure it warms evenly
7. At the very moment the milk starts to froth up and rise — you have to be really quick here ‘cos it’ll just go; a fraction of a second too late and you’ll be broadcasting for clean-up on aisle 6 — whip the milk from the heat and pour it all straight into the jug
8. Turn off the heat source :-)
9. Now stir like crazy with your tablespoon, making sure to mix up all the paste into the steaming milk. Within ten or fifteen seconds it’ll start to thicken up and go that deep yummy yellow
10. Job done

Pour it over sliced banana or a pie/crumble and wow people with your culinary skillz.