Toaster RIP

c: | f: /

The trials and tribulations of buying a replacement toaster in the gadget age.

Twenty seconds into the toasting cycle I was greeted with fzzzzzzzz-spark-BANG! Unwilling to try and brave the innards of why the element shorted or fix it, I declared it defunct.

It had a good innings; fourteen years by any toasty standard is exceptional, and it’s testament to the fact I deliberately bought the most low-tech yet functional model I could lay my hands on. Certainly it’s done well compared to the five nanotech toastbots my parents have been duped into buying in the same time frame.

I have very specific needs in a toaster:

  1. Put bread in
  2. Set dial to desired shade
  3. Depress lever
  4. Wait

I don’t want advanced microchip controlled tomfoolery that gives the bread an orgasm in the process. I don’t need a snazzy blue light or a countdown timer to know when my toast will be ready. I don’t want it to double as a pizza oven, or a helicopter landing pad. I want my bread to fit in, get toasted to my specification every time, and pop up when it’s done.

Can I get one that does that? Hell no. By all accounts, the budget end of the range tend to burn bread, slices don’t fit in the slots, or they don’t offer decent control over browning; mid-range toasters start to add unnecessary gizmos and computer control, which always ends in tears because computers universally suck; and the top end models resemble a nuclear launch surface, complete with dual encrypto-key slots at the console’s extremities to initiate the toasting sequence.

At this rate it looks as if I’ll have to build a fire pit in my kitchen and buy a toasting fork.

4 bods could be bothered to write something


    I bought a hand made Viking toaster way back in 2006 for around $300 and it runs like a top – It is still cheaper than the English made Dualit – made by elderly artisans with more sharp corners than a triple edge razor.
    Have a look – This toaster will treat (and toast) you right.

    Big fan of your plug-ins!

    Stef Dawson

    Thanks for the recommendation, and glad the plugins are useful.

    Never considered one of those hefty Viking things, primarily because of the possibility it’s actually a disguised longship. I wouldn’t wish to import one and find I was indirectly responsible for bringing about a new wave of pillaging in our neighbourhood.

    Mind you, some would argue that’s little different to a regular day in suburbia; and at least I’d be at home with a decent slice of toast while watching the neighbours getting run through.

    Pete Cooper

    +1 for Dualit. Not cheap, but simple as pie and repairable. I’ve had many years out of my 4-slice chrome one, and it’s worthy of Desert Island Discs ‘extra item’ status.

    Stef Dawson

    Dualit-ly noted, thanks Pete. Being between toasters is not something I would wish upon anyone, especially when the stupid built-in oven grill thing makes all the bread taste of meat.

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