Your call is important to us

Welcome to NatWest. All our representatives are busy on other calls at the moment. Please be assured we will keep you on the line as long as possible while we earn revenue from your 0845 call.

Please choose from one of the following options, none of which will apply to your situation:

• Press 1 to find out other ways we can shaft you
• Press 2 if you have yet to be shafted by us
• Press 3 if you want shafting a bit more
• Press 4 if you are so shafted we own your house
• Press 5 if you have yet to press anything; it doesn’t really matter what you press as we’ll be clueless when someone answers; this is merely distraction therapy
• Press 6 to enter your account number and security codes. We still won’t know who you are when we eventually answer the phone and will ask you for them again anyway
• Press 7 to allow us to read the menu options to you again r-e-a-l-l-y s-l-o-w-l-y

Did we mention we get revenue all the while you’re on hold…?