Leader of the pack

First!!!1

There. I saved someone the trouble of telling the world how quick they are at typing. Next time someone posts first for the sake of being first on your blog, here’s a pro-forma that you may use as a reply. If you don’t like it, try another.

Dear commenter,

Firstly, may I congratulate you on being first. I found your one-word adjunct fascinating to the point I almost had a seizure upon assimilating its perfectly formed reasoning. I now feel equipped to tackle the peak oil crisis.

Unassuming in stature, yet unpretentious in attitude, your voice has inspired me to reply with an equally visceral torrent that I hope will instil open-mouthed disbelief, akin to those who witness Peter North's considerable yield.

Contrary to popular opinion, being first to post on a blog is indeed the greatest accolade on earth. It is the cornerstone of cool and I pray your literary genius will reap rewards in the bedroom.

Knowing such brilliance exists in this sometimes callous world is a beacon to us all. I had no idea that the words of Tennessee Williams would one day pale into insignificance in your mighty shadow. The (digital) pen truly is mightier than the sword.

Your linguistic ability is unsurpassed and on a quantum level that only science can attempt to explain. In fact, last Thursday the engineers at the Large Hadron Collider called and wish you to contribute to their research.

Of primary note is the way you weaved such passion into such a compact form without compromising the integrity of your message. Even my pet koala, Sarah, shed a tear.

Undoubtedly though, I think you’ll find that — as originator of this article — I was first to write on the page. That fact is both unequivocal and demonstrable. While commenting first is big and most certainly clever, I trust next time you consider textual ejaculation on someone’s carefully crafted website that you do so from inside a volcano.