Street lingo

I had the misfortune to have Alesha’s Street Dance Stars inflicted upon my retinae the other morning while I was brushing my teeth.

As with all *-Idol format clones, it boils down to nothing more than a self-congratulatory wank by the BBC at recycling an old format and duping people into watching it.

This one’s USP is that it’s for ten-to-sixteen-year-olds who have no sense of rhythm. These kids wiggle and jive in front of a panel of judges who speak in tongues, and it appears said judges aren’t allowed to make any negative comments, presumably in case one of the kids cries or gets his dad.

One kid was told to work on his apple jacks. Sounds painful.

Another was told that he had good flavour (flayvah?) Perhaps each candidate is required to provide a DNA sample as a condition of entry and it’s the job of the presenters to guess what they had for lunch via the medium of taste.

One of the judges told a young female performer “I like you. I wanna house wit you,” which, coming from a mid-20s guy with questionable teeth, is decidedly creepy. Perhaps his intentions were honourable and house is a street-based synonym for set the table and eat some toast. Or maybe it’s something more sinister.

Either way, in order to maintain their impeccable broadcasting standards and be a beacon of guidance for aspiring youngsters, someone at the BBC ought to point out to the presenters in advance of the next show that ‘house’ is not a verb.