Cambridge kick Oxford in the boat race

The annual pointless event took place today. For the uninitiated, every year Oxford University take on Cambridge University in a 4-mile race down the Thames for the general excitement of upper-class twits the nation over.

The rest of the country — at least those who care — can fake allegiance for one or the other team based on who they know who has been to each college or, more likely, which team has the fittest members. Or who owns a dictionary sporting the college’s name.

It’s hackneyed, tired and in dire need of spicing up. Here are some ideas:

• Introduce outside teams “… but coming up on the inside are Skegness College of Hairdressing…”
• Allow sharp paddles so clashing oars actually means something
• Equip the coxes each with a tazer on the end of a long stick so they can gee up slacking team members and — if rowed close enough — electrocute the other team. Bonus marks for sinking the other crew and electrifying the river