Google Maps has its best interests at heart

Driverless cars are a disaster waiting to happen. Forget the faddy “AI” buzzword, which does nothing but regurgitate content scraped from the Internet and pretends it used free thought. The truly scary part about cars that drive themselves is they become wholly reliant on mapping nodes.

And those are, frequently and alarmingly, wrong.

I drive for a living and regularly see postcodes that insist my destination is an alleyway behind the house. Fortunately, I’m clever enough to realise that 154 Sutton Avenue is on Sutton Avenue – the road before Back Crufton Street, which is the cobbled alley the sat-nav wants me to drive down, avoiding the bins and parked cars and abandoned supermarket trolleys.

But if I’m not in control of the car, it will do its level best to take me down the impossible back alleyway, and tell me I’ve arrived, whereby I’ll have to walk back along the rickety alley to the front door on the parallel street.

Thanks, Maps.

Think that’s bad? I regularly drive along roads where the road signs indicate 40mph but the sat-nav speed indicator thinks is a 60mph maximum. Presumably, I’m allowed to argue with the automated system that issues me a speeding ticket, because I wasn’t driving? Right? Ugh… right?

Worse still: On more than one occasion, I’ve been directed by Google maps to drive round a roundabout in the wrong direction. One of the errors was fixed in a few weeks, but the other was wrong for at least six weeks until someone updated the software. I ignored its “advice”, but would an autonomous car do likewise and swerve around self-driving cars using a competing sat-nav system traversing the roundabout correctly?

What about those cautionary warnings of thieves potentially targeting / hacking driverless vehicles, locking the doors and driving you somewhere to rob you? Or the police deciding they don’t like the look of you and ferrying you to the nearest cop shop on autopilot? Sounds scary, and the conspiracy crew lap it all up.

But perhaps most chillingly of all is Google’s most recent stunt of allowing advertisers to pimp their services and logos on the maps themselves. Fast-forward to this scenario: my car is driving me to work because I’m preparing a presentation in the back seat.

Car: There’s a congestion ahead. I’ve found a faster route. Shall I take it?
Me: Sure.
Car: *reroutes* It’s nearly lunchtime and we’re going past a Starbucks.
Me: So?
Car: You must be hungry or thirsty.
Me: Not really. I had a big breakfast and then some fruit and water an hour ago.
Car: It’s a drive-thru. It will only take three minutes and you’ll have fresh coffee brewed with the finest Guatemalan beans.
Me: I don’t want a coffee. I don’t care where the beans come fro…
Car: You have arrived.
…
£5.50 later…
…
Car: Hope you’re enjoying your Starbucks coffee made with the finest Guatemalan beans.
Me: It’s okay. I’d have preferred Indonesian.
Car: Noted for next time. We’ll use Costa.
Me: I was being flippant.
Car: We’re driving past a Volvo garage in a quarter of a mile.
Me: I’d really like to get to work. I have a presentation at 12.
Car: It won’t take long.
Me: No. Let’s just… drive.
Car: *indicates and pulls onto the forecourt* You have arrived.
Me: Let’s go. I don’t need a new car.
Car: Volvo recommend you change your vehicle every three years…

Aaaarrrghhhhh!